Alex's Stuff

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Entirely for @hellmandraws‘ amusement, and to defend America from the charge of being “weakass babies” I’m going to liveblog eating licorice candy.

okay first of all, the packaging. there’s a cartoon monkey ecstatically making love to a candy monkey. Perhaps an indicator of the orgasmic bliss I’m about to experience. 12/10. my hopes, like the people who designed this bag, are obviously very high

the candy looks like rocks and not jaunty little monkeys. huge disappointment. I had to recreate stonehenge to rally my flagging spirits. 2/10

First taste: wow this is salty! I think I actually like this. I love anise so I’m pretty sure this is going to be a trip to flavortown. 8/10 me rn:

OMG THE SALT WORE OFF IT’S SO MUCH WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED.

IT’S LIKE EATING A SHOE.

IS THIS CANDY?

IS THIS WHAT MAKES SCANDINAVIANS SO POWERFUL?

I’m chewing and it won’t go away

it’s stuck to my teeth, I’ll be tasting this forever. shards of this will be discovered in my teeth when my body is excavated from an archeological dig tens of thousands of years in the future. somehow the smell has traveled up through my nasal cavity and all I can sense, hear, or experience is licorice. the world is an empty vessel filled with remorse and the cloying smell of decay. I’m at the nadir of my existence. -100/12

somehow, here, standing at the edge of eternity, the darkness that consumed me birthed me anew. I’m not only ready for another candy, I’m eager. I can, nay I must, immediately eat another

oh wow it’s salty! 8/10

this time I’m ready for the salt to wear off. 

I WAS NOT READY

the flavor this time was different, and somehow so much worse. instead of the leather of a shoe, it was like eating an entire shoe factory. the industrial rubber of the forklift tires, a hint of diesel as secretive as a volkswagen scandal, a soupçon of hot tin roof, the sweat of non-unionized labor, and a pervasive sense that while we’re all in this together, some of us are more all in this than others. 1/10 throw off your shackles, taste buds

I can’t believe it but I’m into this. I like this. shocked and disgusted with myself, I shove 2 more into my mouth concurrently.

conclusion: I’ve become addicted to licorice candy. what is in this. how do I get more. I hate this? I hate this. I willingly admit I’m a weakass baby. 100/10 will cycle through destruction and rebirth willingly and with open eyes, albeit it with teeth that will never again be clean.

(via leadhoovesies)